It was a bitterly cold January winter in Wisconsin. I had just turned fifteen and had been signed with Rosemary Bischoff’s Modeling Agency. I had plans to move to New York City.
Two months prior, I had arrived at my former 4th-grade schoolteacher’s home with two large bags stuffed full of my possessions. At this point, I had been in and out of group homes and foster homes for over a year. She became my new foster mother by choice. I felt my life was finally coming together.
At a previous foster home, I stayed for a “test” weekend (common in the foster world). Trying to be helpful, the mother bought me Cover Girl foundation, but when I said “no thank you” because it was the wrong color, she thought I was being cavalier. I failed the test.
In another foster home that didn’t last, they had random strangers walking in and out of the house, invited inside by a very well-trained parrot. Funny, yes, but I didn’t feel safe. What wasn’t funny was being told to wash the kitchen floor with a toothbrush. I felt like Cinderella.
Back to that cold winter in January. Debbie, a girl I had met earlier at one of the group homes, had no safe place to live. I asked my foster mother if she could stay with us until the bitterly cold weather passed. For whatever reason, she said no. But I was not about to let my friend walk the streets alone in sub-zero temperatures, so I snuck her in. We got caught and when Debbie got kicked out, I left with her.
Me leaving on that bitter cold winter night changed the entire trajectory of my life. I didn’t go to New York.
Looking back on that fateful night I now see that God had a larger purpose for me. I was clueless about this purpose but early on in my life, I felt protected, like God had my back. So, I have been able to trust God. And, I have countless stories that justify this trust.
I must add, I have heard this small still voice throughout my life. I have experienced this enough to recognize God’s voice from my own. While I have been slow to respond, process and digest, God knows my heart.
For example, recently while quietly praying at church, I felt a women’s presence. My eyes were closed so I was going on intuition, a knowing, that I was being prayed for. She didn’t say anything, so I continued my prayer. At the end of the church service, this woman tapped my shoulder. She said she wrote me a letter God put on her heart. She handed me a yellow slip of neatly folded paper. I read the first line, “God knows everything.” I thought, “Oh dear, I am in trouble now.”
I immediately felt like a little girl. I thanked her and headed to my car to read the rest alone.
I would like to share parts of this letter with you:
“God knows everything you’ve gone through.
He sees the pain. He sees the hurt. He sees the rejection. He sees the neglect. He sees the people who were supposed to be trustworthy but left you. He sees the people who were supposed to be safe but weren’t. He sees your tears.
You are strong because being strong was the only choice you had. But now God is your Father. He will never leave you nor forsake you. You are precious. You are his child. He is your safe place. You matter. You have a purpose.\”
\”Let God be your strength and trust him fully”
I wanted to share this as encouragement for you. There is always hope. This is where faith comes in. I’ve never let my past hold me back. I believe my background has shaped me in positive ways. I always ask, “What are the lessons to be learned here? What is the gift?”
Have I been embarrassed about my past? Criticized, teased, judged? Sure, absolutely! My inner work is to learn to accept, process and digest things my younger self didn’t understand. And that is okay.
What lessons and gifts does your past have for you? What about my story resonates with you?
In Beauty and Wellness,
xo Holly